through it all you are still my dad

(the picture isnt that great but its the only one I have on my computer. I would like to post the one I just got of my parents but I dont have a scanner to put it on my computer.)

Im wondering why people refer to someone who passed away in the past tense? Like he WAS my dad...just because hes gone doesnt change that he IS my dad. Right? Well thats how it is to me I dont see why it changes tense. Anyways.

So Im sitting here at my aunts house. Its crazy to me that just a few days ago I wasnt planning on coming back to Vegas until either March or June possibly both. But now here I am, not only in Vegas but fatherless...is that right? I mean I have a father but hes just not here on earth anymore. Either way, its weird it doesnt feel real at all. Its strange to be here spending time with family and him not being around. Even with all our issues he is still my dad and I love him.

Weve had a lot of issues...a lot recently regarding this blog but Ill tell you this it actually got us talking about stuff we never talked about which at the time pissed me off the way it was laid out there but it got things going and honestly I think that was a start to something good between us but now hes gone. Which is extremely sad but Im actually okay with it. Im okay with it because at least before he went he knew exactly how I felt and where I stood regarding everything.

Its new to me to sit and think about all the things hes going to miss in our lives. I was never a fan of having him around to be honest (it always reminded me of everything I missed out as when I was younger and pissed me off, plus he wasnt really easy to get along with in general.) but now that there isnt an option it kinda sucks. Like this year will be my first birthday without him, or Christmas, he wont be at my wedding (which sucks because he was really happy at Jazines wedding and I wont get to make him that happy at mine someday.) But I know he loves me and I love him. I am very much at peace with the fact that he isnt here anymore. Which is way if youve talked to me on the phone or Im on facebook I am pretty much the same, calm, and laughing. Ive been asked a bunch of times by a bunch of people who think Im holding in feelings because Im not freakin out and sobbing its because Im okay with it. Yea Im not happy that I wasnt here when it happened and I didnt get to say goodbye to him, but all in all Im okay.

My mom is doing okay Im more worried about her then anything she was so depended on him for everything. They were together 30 years which is crazy to me. They seemed so unstable together but I couldnt imagine them apart. I honestly think he took as best care of my mom as he knew how to. Shes been telling stories about him that I never heard before and a side of him I never got to know, so thats been interesting and refreshing.

Alright, Ill wrap this up now. Have a good night guys.