Vegas Trip

So my trip to Vegas last week, even though it was for sad reasons I had a really good time. I got to see the people I wasnt able to see last time and I actually got to know my dad a little bit more through my mom and his friends which was pretty cool. I will say that even more than before I still dont like to be hugged by people I dont know/dont like. Im not a fan! If I stick my hand out for you to shake thats what you should do not grab it and pull me in for a hug, it grosses me out! Im just saying. But anyways the trip was good.

We got there on Monday at 4am, Terry, Ted and I stayed up til about 6am watching stupid youtube videos yes we are that special lol.

Tuesday I spend the WHOLE day with my lovely little girl and her awesome mother =) love those girls! I have been asked to be Natalia's (other) godmother! And of course I said YES!!!! Thats exciting news to me. I wish I could watch her grow up. Im still sad that I wont be there for her 2nd birthday this is the only birthday of hers I plan to miss.

Wednesday I got to see Debbie-Deb and Eric love those guys we got coffee at of course Starbucks. I also seen NES!! I havent seen her in years so it was good to see her again.

Thursday Debbie took me out for my birthday dinner to Red Robin for hamburger with EGG heck yes! dont judge me that shit is good. We got drunk together, which is always fun.

Than it was off to stay with Brett and Amber (sorry, I totally fell asleep on you guys) like within minutes of being there I was past out. So there was no visiting them on my part but Ted hung out with them.

Friday was the service for my dad which turned out to be really good Ryan did a fabulous job I love that he is a pastor and Im so glad that my dad found God before he past away I think that was really good for him and Im glad Ryan was part of leading him. Jazine and Lonnie guided him very well too. Giving him his bible was a great idea even though I didnt think it would be but turned out to be a great one. I wish I could have witnessed some of his changes. Im sorry I missed out on that. But we were mending things and I think our last talks were great and have been the reason Im okay with the way things happened so quickly.

Chris and Ang came to the service which was awesome. I thought for sure I wouldnt see them this trip either because both our lunch dates didnt happen but it was great seeing them. =) I love them.

We were heading back to CO Friday night and I locked the keys in the jeep...well it was a mix of both of us but that set us back about an hour but then we finally left and made it back by 2pm Saturday. Ted got some rest and left for N. Dakota at 10pm. He made it there the next morning for his OSHA classes he will be back in 2 weeks. Then he will be in Golden CO for CDL training for a month. Good thing I LOVE Golden its so pretty.

So that leaves me at this week, which in 3 days will be my birthday. =/ Ive never been alone on my birthday which sucks I always had Ted and family but this year itll be just me. I have to spend the day at school picking up my graduation stuff then the rest of the night....nothing. So I have a feeling Ill be in bed by 8pm just to get the day over with which sucks but thats life. Ill get over it its just a birthday, one that seems to remind me how much time is passing me by.

through it all you are still my dad

(the picture isnt that great but its the only one I have on my computer. I would like to post the one I just got of my parents but I dont have a scanner to put it on my computer.)

Im wondering why people refer to someone who passed away in the past tense? Like he WAS my dad...just because hes gone doesnt change that he IS my dad. Right? Well thats how it is to me I dont see why it changes tense. Anyways.

So Im sitting here at my aunts house. Its crazy to me that just a few days ago I wasnt planning on coming back to Vegas until either March or June possibly both. But now here I am, not only in Vegas but fatherless...is that right? I mean I have a father but hes just not here on earth anymore. Either way, its weird it doesnt feel real at all. Its strange to be here spending time with family and him not being around. Even with all our issues he is still my dad and I love him.

Weve had a lot of issues...a lot recently regarding this blog but Ill tell you this it actually got us talking about stuff we never talked about which at the time pissed me off the way it was laid out there but it got things going and honestly I think that was a start to something good between us but now hes gone. Which is extremely sad but Im actually okay with it. Im okay with it because at least before he went he knew exactly how I felt and where I stood regarding everything.

Its new to me to sit and think about all the things hes going to miss in our lives. I was never a fan of having him around to be honest (it always reminded me of everything I missed out as when I was younger and pissed me off, plus he wasnt really easy to get along with in general.) but now that there isnt an option it kinda sucks. Like this year will be my first birthday without him, or Christmas, he wont be at my wedding (which sucks because he was really happy at Jazines wedding and I wont get to make him that happy at mine someday.) But I know he loves me and I love him. I am very much at peace with the fact that he isnt here anymore. Which is way if youve talked to me on the phone or Im on facebook I am pretty much the same, calm, and laughing. Ive been asked a bunch of times by a bunch of people who think Im holding in feelings because Im not freakin out and sobbing its because Im okay with it. Yea Im not happy that I wasnt here when it happened and I didnt get to say goodbye to him, but all in all Im okay.

My mom is doing okay Im more worried about her then anything she was so depended on him for everything. They were together 30 years which is crazy to me. They seemed so unstable together but I couldnt imagine them apart. I honestly think he took as best care of my mom as he knew how to. Shes been telling stories about him that I never heard before and a side of him I never got to know, so thats been interesting and refreshing.

Alright, Ill wrap this up now. Have a good night guys.

Change.

People change. Things change. Every living thing goes through change. What matters is how you deal with your change. Ive had to learn this a lot over the past 2 years. Ive accepted most of the change that I personally have gone through(mostly change for the better, thats why) but when its other peoples change that effects me in some way I dont accept that very well. I know that, I admit it and it sucks but Im hard headed when it comes to those types of things. I have SERIOUS trust issues so when I do finally give you my trust I get attached...quickly. So when things change and I no longer hold the same potion in your life, I take that very hard and I have issues with accepting it. I have issues with it because it doesnt matter how much change I go through I go the extra step to make sure you are still important to me. I might fall behind a few times but usually I catch myself and fix it. I fit you into my life why cant I get the same?
Im having the hardest time even holding conversations with people back home, not because Im not trying but because when I call/text them its always one ended (my end) and it sucks. Im trying why arent you? I moved I didnt die. I find it amazing that I have more conversations/interactions with people I havent seen in 6 almost 7 years then I do with people I talked to or seen weekly while I was in vegas. What the hell. I know people change I get that but you have to allow the relationship to go with you during the change. Not just drop it like it didnt matter. Its lame and it hurts.

where would that fit?

Alright I guess I should blog. I dont really know about what yet Ill work on that while Im typing and see what happens. But, Im making myself blog. :)
Ive been watching Anderson Cooper, and Im just wondering in what subject would Gay Rights be taught? I mean Im all for Gay rights and educating kids on equal rights (which can you really teach equal rights anymore when gays...dont have equal rights?), but honestly in what subject would that be taught? Is that a new class to start? I just dont see that fitting into the system.
In a time where they are rewriting history books to teach kids what the government wants them to know instead of actually historical fact. Maybe they will take out history and just teach equal rights? Oh wait to teach equal rights they have to teach history...well thats out.
Teds cousin is going to Washington DC with her school and they will not being visiting the ww2 memorials because they will not be teaching about the holocast or what was done during ww2...UMMM WHAT THE HELL!!!??? How is that possible? Honestly are they just trying to erase it from history? Do they know that wont really erase it, it wont make it untrue? I just dont understand how that is possible.
Anyways, I do support gay rights and I think EVERYONE should have equal rights. I think your rights are just as important as my rights. I dont think because I am hetrosexial and can produce babies with my significant other that my rights should be different from someone that doesnt have that option without assistants, considering some hetrosexial couples cant produce babies without those same assistants. So should their rights be different? NO.
Its heartbreaking to me that kids are killing themselves because they are getting bullied due to be gay. No one should be bullied for what they like. And its mostly guys. Which I dont understand that double standard, oh its hot for girls to be gay but not guys thats nasty. Why do people care? Its none of their business really. You dont have to take part or watch so why should it matter what someone likes behind their closed doors?

Alright thats my rant for the day.

Self Pity...is really no fun.

So Im feeling a lot of self pity lately, regarding everything going on right now. Ive been doing a lot of thinking about my life and everything in it. Ill be 25 in 26 days and I have nothing to show for it. No marriage, no kids, hardly a job, no traveling. Seriously everything I did own I no longer have. I dont even have my own car anymore. Its quite depressing to be honest.
I moved to Colorado which I dont regret for a minute I love it here but I miss everyone in Vegas ALOT. I miss seeing my family. I miss random ball games and beers with friends. I miss all of that. I miss my church. I know Ive made great friends out here since Ive been here and I love them but we cant possibly see each other all the time we all are working and honestly I dont live close enough to just make trips down to see them all the time and that sucks. I love those girls they are awesome. But even with that its not the same.
Ive been having a crap load of second thoughts about the move and going back to school as much as I hated my job in Vegas and Vegas in general at least I had a job that I actually worked. I was gerenteed 40 hours and worked far more then that most of the time. Plus I had my second job that I worked 15-20 hours as well. Because now I think what a waste of time and money school was if Im only going to be working 2-3 days barely 4 hours a day for basically less pay than Ive ever made since pushing carts in high school.
Im not trying to take away from how great I feel that I actually went back to school by any means. I know thats something to be proud of and I am but seriously...I dont know how much of this I can do without going crazy. I hate sitting at home Ive never been one that was able to do that. And thats what Ive been doing for 5 days (since I havent worked since Tuesday and dont back til Monday), but all I can think about is all this crap that Im not happy about.

Alright, yea its a depressing blog today but thats how I feel right now and how I have been feeling for a while now.

My Lobotomy-Howard Dully (finished)

So I finished the book. I have to say this is one of the hardest books I've ever read, no question about it this book makes you think about things someone should never have to think about.
Honestly Im not even a parent and I couldnt imagne giving a 12 year old child a lobotomy. Seriously how is that even legal? This doctor preformed over 2500 lobotomies in his career! WTF he had a lobotomoble (thats what they called in it in the book) but the guy drove the country and gave lobotomies in clinics across the US for years. How does that happen? His last patient that he preformed on was a woman who he cut a brain vessel and caused her to hemerage and die on the table. He was 80(something) when that happened. Ummm excuse me really? Id say you shouldnt preform this operation at any age but 80(something) again WTF!!!
But I cant even tell you the things I felt for this little boy...this NORMAL boy who was subjected to this by an unloving terrible stepmother. There was nothing wrong with this boy other then his father was stupid for marrying this person and not leaving her when he was brought to this doctors' office and questioned about his son.
The end of the book which was writen after it was first published (like an update on things) was the hardest part for me to read. Because tests are run on his brain and the things they find are amazing and terrifying.
I want to write out this part of the book though because it hits home for me.
This is the end of the book, and he is talking about everyone that is invalved and how in everyones life they were all victims of what happened in their lives.

..."Just as they were all victims of what was done to them. Thats true for everybody, I guess. We are all the victims of what is done to us. We can either use that as an excuse for failure, knowing that if we fail it isn't really our fault, or we can say, "I want something better than that, I deserve something better than that, and Im going to try and make myself a life worth living."

So this book was great. At times very hard to push through just because of the thought of the detail he puts into what happened is crazy to me to even consider but all in all a great book and if you ever thought your life was bad at any time you should read this. Itll open your eyes like no other.