Just an update and its not a quick one.

I havent been very good at keeping my goal up of blogging more. I suck. I know. Ive said that on every blog Ive written since I made that goal that I suck so bad at keeping. And Ill keep saying it until my thick skull remembers to blog more often and it no longer becomes true. *crosses fingers* that it happens soon.

So a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I am doing okay for those of you who care. I am just trying to take it a day at a time. Ive started school in a sequence that I know nothing about xrays. And it is kicking my ass to be honest Im unsure about it but Ill stick with it and do everything I can to push through it and learn as much as I can. Wish me luck.
I have washed my car again (today) actually still with the help of my sister but it went WAY better than the last time. No mini break down YES! Progress feels so good. Its the simple things really. I knew I could start school. I knew I would get a job (which Ill get to later). I knew I could do the big things. Its the little things I was having the hardest time with. Like washing my car. And Im not good at it still but Im getting better. One step at a time. There was no crying this time. Next time maybe Ill do it myself or remember to bring towels to dry it off. But Im getting there.
So I got a job. Heck yes! Its not my dream job or anything but its a job and Ill take whatever I can get. I will be doing marketing at a local casino from 12am to 6am. That Ill need to get used to. But its after school and Ill still have the whole day to sleep and do homework and what not. I also am still waiting to hear back from Ross and if I can change the availability with them and still work there 2-3 days a week I will do that as well. So we shall see if thats possible. 2 jobs and school should be fun. =)
Next...for anyone wondering. Bandit is doing great. He gets a long with his new friend Max. He trys to play like he doesnt but he loves him and cuddles with him when he thinks no one is looking. He loves the bed Jazine and Lonnie got him. (he never slept in a bed ever since he was about a year and Smokey stole his bed) but he lays in this bed all the time now.
Its hard going to school at the shelter with all the pretty pit bulls and not adopting any of them. Im starting my 3rd week and I havent taken any home. Thats impressive for real.
More progress on my part I opened my own bank account haha its small but still makes me happy.
But seriously, everyday life is still really hard. Im doing good. Im working towards little things at a time which I know is best for me but things are still hard and different. Somethings Id rather not do on my own and somethings Im glad Im learning how to do alone. I question a lot of things though. Relationships more than anything. I relied so much on one person for so long and he did a great job and taking care of EVERYTHING I needed I didnt have to worry about anything. I honestly dont know that Ill ever be able to do that again. Just knowing that I failed at keeping it together and I have to learn how to do everything for the first time at 25. But I know that since Im learning them now if anything were to happen in the future that doesnt work out I at least know how to deal with things alone. But I question if Ill ever be able to put complete trust into someone to lean on. I dont think Ill be able to ever give that much trust to someone else. Which makes me wonder if its even worth trying. If I doubt it as much as I do, is it worth trying? For me or the other person? Who knows, Im sure with time my mind and heart might change but only time will tell. I do know Im scared of it. Which Im sure is a huge part of not wanting to try again.

Well, Im sure Ive bored you enough Ill go to bed now. Good night.

Delirium-Finished

I read this book for the book club I joined since coming back to Vegas. I missed the meeting
=( because I didnt finish the book in time I actually just finished. I feel like I made myself read this book most of the time instead of just wanting to read it. Until closer to the end then I did want to finish it. Im not going to lie though I was disappointed in the end. Its a pretty good book I would never read it again or really recommend it to anyone to be honest. I have captions from the book though that Ill share.
It was a strange book, about Portland and the USA curing Love. Love is a disease that they are preforming basically a lobotomy(they dont use that word, but thats what it is)to stop people from loving because it causes all the problems, crime, disease in the world. So you get the procedure done at 18 and get matched with a partner to spend their lives with but they are basic robots in life after its done but they say they are happier because there is no pain.
So here is the captions:
-The most dangerous sicknesses are those that make us believe we are well. -Proverb 42, The Book of Shhh (thats like their bible/rule book)
-Instead people back then named other diseases--stress, heart disease, anxiety, depression, hypertension, insomnia, bipolar disorder--never realizing that these were, in fact, only symptoms that in the majority of cases could be traced back to the effects of amor deliria nervosa
-We must be constantly on guard against the Disease; the health of our nation, our people, our families, and our minds depends on constant vigilance. -"Basic Health Measures" The Safety, Health, and Happiness Handbook, 12th edition
-Lord, help us root our feet to the earth And always remember the fallen angels Who, attempting to soar, Were seared instead by the sun and, wings melting, Came crashing back to the sea. Lord, help root my ees to the earth And stay my eyes to the road So I may never stumble.-Psalm 24(From "Prayer and Study," The Book of Shhh)
-The devil stole into the Garden of Eden. he carried with him the disease-amor deliria nervosa-in the form of a seed. It grew and flowered into a magnificent apple tree, which bore apples as bright as blood.-From Genesis: A Complete History of the World and the Known Universe, by Steven Horace, PhD, Harvard University.
-You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes. A limited choice. We get to choose from the people who have been chosen for us.
-Step on a crack, youll break your mama's back. Step on a stone, you'll end up all alone. Step on a stick, you're bound to get the Sick. Watch where you tread, youll bring out all the dead. -A common children's playground chant, usually accompanied by jumping rope or clapping.
-Mama, Mama, help me get home, Im out in the woods, I am out on my own. I found me a werewolf, a nasty old mutt, It showed me it's teeth and went straight for my gut.
Mama, Mama, help me get home, Im out in the woods, I am out on my own. I was stopped by a vampire, a rotting old wreck, It showed me it's teeth, and went straight for my neck.
Mama, Mama, put me to bed, I wont make it home, I'm already half dead. I met an Invalid, and fell for his art. He showed me his smile, and went straight for my heart. -From "A Child's Walk Home," Nursery Rhymes and Folk Tales, edited by Cory Levinson
-Of all the systems of the body-Neurological, cognitive, special, sensory-the cardiological system is the most sensitive and easily disturbed. The role of society must be to shelter these systems from infection and decay, or else the future of the human race is at stake. Like a summer fruit that is protected from insect invasion, rot by the whole mechanism of modern farming; so must we protect the heart. -The Role and Purpose of Society," The Book of Shh p.353
-One of the strangest things about life is that it will chug on, blind and oblivious, even as your private world-your little carved-out sphere-is twisting and morphing, even breaking apart.
-Liberty in acceptance; Peace in enclosure; Happiness in reunciation.-Words carved above the gates at teh entrance to the Crypts.
-This is what people are always talking about when they talk about God: this feeling, of being held and understood and protected. Feeling this way seems about as close to saying a prayer as you could get.
-Without love, there could also be no hate: without hate, no violence. Hate isn't the most dangerous thing. Indifference is.
-That's part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.
-But I have a secret. You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them. You can try to pin me down with a hundred thousand arms, but I will find a way to resist. And there are many of us out there, more than you think. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to come to earth. People who love in a world without walls, people who love into hate, into refusal, against hope, and without fear.

So there are just some of it. For such a strange book there were a lot of things about it that interested me. It reminded me a little bit like The Host very science fiction so its different the books I normally read so Im glad I read it.
On to the next which is book 10 or 11 (I dont remember really) of the Sookie Stackhouse books (true blood series) I wont blog about that because Im so far into the series and I never blogged about any of these books and I dont want to jump into blogging about them now.

Wheres the positivity? Not here thats for sure.

I SUCK! Im just going to admit that upfront. I suck at a lot of things Im learning that more and more everyday.
I suck at blogging - since Im like 12 days behind my photo challenge and I really have no desire to finish that at all. So Ive decided to just give it up.
I suck at being jobless - Im sure a lot of people are the same way but Im freaking out A LOT about not having a job. I get really negative about myself and I honestly dont know what I am supposed to do anymore. Ive been submitting my resume online for weeks and the same jobs Ive been submitting them to are still being advertised why am I not getting calls? Seriously.
I suck at reading my bible - I just found out today that the bible my dad got from my sister for his birthday last year in Aug he finished the whole thing by the time he past away in Nov. Seriously Ive only read like 2 "books" out of the whole thing. =/
Anyways I just feel like a failure all the time now. No job. No life. No hope(sometimes). Everyone keeps telling me uplifting things and it helps but when Im alone for any period of time my mind starts checking off all the things Im failing at in life. I keep praying and trying but nothing seems to give. I just need something positive to happen because I question EVERYTHING I do and have done in the past couple of months, like maybe I have made all the wrong choices in life and I just suck at life as a whole.
Well heres my depressing blog sorry about that. Its just how I feel right now...and everyday lately. Im sure things will get better Im just hoping for sooner rather than later.

Day Four- tonight

Day 04 - A picture of your night

So my night is going to be lame. I will be sitting in bed looking at Craigslist submitting my resume to every office/vet job I can find and hoping and praying that something happens soon. I really really need a job like REALLY. I feel like such a bum not having a job. I know it has really been that long but I have bills that need to be paid soon and I need to figure out my car insurance situation but I need a job to do all that and its not looking good. I have less than a month to figure that out. I honestly dont know what Im going to do if something doesnt happen soon for me. =/ Oh well this is what I choose right? We actually just learned in Church we have to "reap what we sow". So here I am...learning just that. So if my car is sitting in the drive way after a month because it doesnt have insurance thats my own problem and Ill live with that.

Day Three

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Well start with the show they cancelled on me =( I loved this show there was no other show like it on tv and I miss it. Plus it has Damian Lewis (hottie) in it.

Next is my new obsession, Dexter LOVE love LOVE this show its amazing.
Bones, Ive watched this since the beginning and I still love it.

The Big Bang Theory is HILARIOUS =) love this show and I seriously would marry Sheldon I am in love with him Big Time.

Day Two.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

So the person Ive been closest with would be of course my sister. She has been there through my whole life...litterally. She is amazing, beautiful, and everything anyone could ask for in a sister. I love her she really is my rock in life. I can tell her anything and know I wont be judged. Shes help me through so much in life and has lead me to Jesus. She really is "an awesome" ha. I love her and am so thankful for her. =)

Day One

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts

1. clearly im a CUBS fan

2. im trying things alone for the first time in my life

3. ive never questioned myself as much as i have this past month

4. i am proof a girl and a guy can be just friends

5. i love the work that i do & cant wait to get back into it

6. im more excited to go to school than anyone should ever be

7. im coming to terms with my life decisions...slowly

8. im a natural blonde (people dont belive that lol)

9. im finding out im not as simple of a person as i once thought

10. i just want everyone to be happy in life

this was harder then i thought it would be...but there you go day one.